A Journey through Faith

Would I believe you when you would say
Your hand will guide my every way

These were the first few lines of Jeremy Camp's song, "Walk by Faith". I remember listening to this song while I was in a deep predicament that forced me to rethink my faith and what it meant to me. The challenge seemed so simple in hindsight, but back then I remember feeling like God had just given the death sentence to all my hopes and dreams.

When I think about what month it is today, I can't help but smile and shake my head at the thought about all those times I've cried and pleaded for heaven's mercy. That was around the first quarter of this year. Back then I knew that my mother was about to leave for the States and I was determined to go with her. There was no prospect in sight until a generous heart offered me a job in her family's business. You'd think this was the answer I've been waiting for, right? Well, not exactly.

As we started processing the papers needed for the work visa, we began to see the many obstacles that seemed to block my chances of getting approved. We looked at other possibilities like initially applying for a tourist visa, but the odds don't seem to work in my favor. Slowly, I could see the doors shutting down and one day I just broke down having accepted that I will not be with my mom on her wedding day and worse...I will be left here...alone.

A friend once introduced me to this song by Jeremy Camp. She was going through a faith crisis of her own when she discovered this song. The lyrics were quite simple and easy to understand...

Well I will walk by faith
Even when I cannot see
Well because this broken road
Prepares Your will for me

...but to me, they were hidden truths that seemed to evade my searching heart. I even came to the point where I can't bring myself to sing the words out loud because I knew that I would be lying through my teeth - pretending that I have faith...that I believe...that I know His great plans for me will soon be revealed - when I know I don't.

I admit it was so much easier to doubt and to put the blame on somebody. I blamed all those Filipinos who were given the chance to go to the States as tourists only to stay there for good - ILLEGALLY. I blamed the US government for all their wrong decisions and bad practices that placed them in financial disarray which ultimately led to the restrictions and limitations for hiring foreign workers....who, I might add, have all the legal documents, as well as the capacity to do a great job for the company they would work for! Heck, I even blamed my own mother for wanting to get married again...and to a foreigner at that!

It was a struggle for me to get back to my feet and start walking the path to faith again. It felt like I was in a very dark underground tunnel and given a small lit candle bright enough to only get me through the next small step. The fact that I can't see through the end of it was killing me. I have always been the planner - always had that sense of direction. How do I get that sense of direction when I don't even know where I'm headed?

They say that if God closes a door, he opens a window. But what do you do when both doors and windows had shut down, locked and heavily bolted? Where do you go from there?

And for the next few months, I asked God the very same question. In fact I am still asking Him up to now...

You see, I have made FAITH into an adjective that would define my identity. Of course if that's who you are, then you don't really have to work at it. But FAITH is not a descriptive word. It's an action word. It challenges your very knowledge, your very existence. It forces you to reevaluate your life and what you stand for. It is a strong conviction that pushes you to move forward eventhough you are not sure what lies ahead. And you don't get to this place unless you challenge yourself to actually BELIEVE.

The asking did me a lot of good. And as events began to unfold closely after the demise of my American dream, so did the answers start pouring in. I realized then that I would have compromised a lot if I was allowed to go to the States - and this is NOT the kind of compromise that would eventually be worth it. I was given another vision...a dream - the kind that I know, for a fact, I shouldn't let go. I was given the first step, part of which is to step out of my comfort zone and travel alone. So I went to Singapore. That easy? I tell you it's not.

The path that led me there was not one of least resistance. The struggle to financially provide for the trip, the never-ending emotional and spiritual battle I had to go through and the constant question floating inside my head, that again, "where will this all lead me", made it a roller-coaster ride. But when I was in Singapore, a realization hit me as I was by the beach writing on my journal. There I said these words....

"Perhaps I am beginning to see that it is not the what, the where or the who that is really important. It is how and why certain things and events have been allowed and continue to be allowed to happen in my life to make it more meaningful. I sit here marveling at the thought that this is what living under grace feels like. So this is what it's like to listen to the Spirit, heed your voice and your call as I walk my daily walk? Though I wouldn't want to live in regret, I couldn't help but wonder how I've missed out on a lot of things just because I've held on so much to the belief that I know what was best for me. But now I know that I know nothing at all. Because I am here, sitting by the beach, thinking how the events that transpired had led me to this place...and I couldn't be more grateful."

Nothing has changed since the time I wrote those words, and yet the feeling is not the same. I am still in the wondering stage - wondering what my next step will be, what will happen when I finally take that leap and not knowing what's in stored for me in 2012, but my response now is a far cry from what it used to be. Now, I can say I'm excited. I wait with anticipation as I embark on the next leg of my own version of the amazing race. I have a couple of soft plans laid out for next year, but nothing concrete that the Lord can't change or mix up. FINALLY....Finally I can say, "yes, I will walk by faith, even when I cannot see; because this broken road, prepares His will for me."