The Journey of a Man's Heart
Your beauty captivating, I am at the mercy of your orders
You wore a smile that could dazzle an army
And bring them to their knees crying out for heaven’s mercy
And then I reached out and you took my hand
With a single stride I brought you to a foreign land
Away from onlookers that may steal your gaze away from me
For truly what I have to say is by far the great mystery
The heavens are lit with legions of stars
And music flowed from a distance of where we are
I knew even before, I have thought of this day
Now if only your answers will come directly my way
My heart raced in anticipation and waiting for a while
Until your eyes came to meet mine, lips quivered into a smile
And with a simple word you sealed heaven divine
Into my heart which cried out, “You are mine! You are mine!”
And here I am to this day, standing before you right now
Gazing into your eyes as if for the first time
The strength of my love for you is renewed every morning
Never worrying, never fading, always bright and shining
It came upon me as if written in the heavens above
That truly nothing can ever separate me from your love
And with eyes glistening you moved closer to whisper in my ear,
“There is nothing, there is no one in this world I hold most dear.”
And through the years your love has carried me to a thousand different places
Each one equally exciting as the other
For one look you can command my heart to flutter
With a single touch from you my eloquent lips begin to stutter
Passions ablaze we have brought little ones to this earth
And brought them up together to become citizens of worth
Serving God with our hands, moving in sync with the divine
That though drought and storms crossed our paths we stood the test of time
One day you had your hands full, you were a little distraught
Till I pulled you into my arms and kept you still
And then I looked into your eyes declaring a love that is still growing
Never worrying, never fading always bright and shining
It came upon me as clear as the night blue sky
That I will always look at you this way no matter how time flies
And with eyes glistening you moved closer to whisper in my ear
“I love you and it has made me strong, there is nothing that I fear.”
Indeed no fear has kept you away from me since that day
Until time put an end to forever and forever melted away
I realized we have lived more than most people in this world
And indeed I will be grateful for our time spent on earth
With thinning gray hair and some wrinkled hands we fought
Your children by your side waging for a cause we eventually lost
Yet the battle is not over, it is yet to be won
Till we face our Creator, the one who paid for our cost.
And here I am to this day, standing before you right now
Gazing into your souls as if to pour out
The strength of my love is still new every morning
Never worrying, never fading, always bright and shining
It came upon me in sadness that this is how it’s meant to be
And remember you with fondness till we’re together again for all eternity
And with eyes filled with love I could still hear your whispers in my ears
“I have lived, I have loved, indeed for me there was only you all these years.”
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Poker Face
How do you keep a straight face, devoid of any emotion, after finding yourself in an extremely high-pressure situation? How do you maintain your poise, be still and keep calm after a rather embarrassing situation exposing your true vulnerabilities to the world? How? I don’t know how I did it, but I did. And I am, to say the least, not proud of it.I am not proud of the fact that I sat in the principal’s office and accepted my fate of being expelled in school. Yes. You read it correctly. Expelled…from school. The one place that gives me validation, affirm my capabilities and define my character. I am an achiever and I was proud of that. I was proud that I could work hard and get the recognition I deserve. I thrive and I conquered. That is, up until this point.
You see I wasn’t supposed to be expelled. A little warning might have sufficed, but that wasn’t enough for them. Now I truly understood Adam and Eve’s feelings as they probably stood in the gates of the Garden of Eden after being banished from the Lord’s presence. They could have done anything else, except that they have done the one thing God had forbidden them to do—and that is to eat the forbidden fruit.
I have not eaten the forbidden fruit, nor have I been banished from paradise. But the feeling was somewhat the same thinking that I will no longer enter the gates of that one place where I thought I truly belonged. I stood there longingly. Gazing at the buildings…imagining what it’s like to feel the grass scraping my feet until it tingles….enjoying the classics…listening to my teachers and exploding with laughter at the funny things my seatmate would whisper in my ears. All of that gone…just because…
I remembered sitting in the principal’s office. He asked me, “why should I keep you?” And for the life of me, I couldn’t answer, because deep in my heart I know he shouldn’t. I have done wrong. I did not deliver. And yet I held his gaze and said, “if you find it in your heart to forgive and keep me still after what happened, why should I have to answer that question?” I was indignant and yet I knew I have no right to be.
“I cannot keep you,” he said after some time. “I, however, do not mind giving out my recommendation to any school you would like to apply to.” Then he stood and began to walk away. He held the door open for me and I took it as a sign that it is time to leave. He smiled as I passed by the doorway. “Good luck.”
He did not see the smirk, nor heard the curse I murmured under my breath. But I knew. I knew that I only kept a straight face because that is the only way I could salvage my pride. Underneath the defense wall I have built in my appearance is a sweltering gaze filled with fury and bitterness. How dare you! How dare you toss me a bone as if I am a doggie on the streets begging for food? How could you possibly think that a recommendation or a letter would appease the raging desperation I have felt eversince I became aware of my state?
Still I kept the poker face. I kept the smile like it was taped to the side of my ears. I could not afford these emotions to get the best of me. It was like lying through my teeth pretending I was okay when in fact I could have died and gone straight from the editorial section of our school paper to the obituaries if we ever decide to have one.
I have served and I knew I did it well. I did it to the best of my abilities. But still it was not enough. And to top it all off, it was the only thing left of my self-esteem. After that there is nothing left to keep. No title. No position. No image. It is just me. Plain and simple me.
Why do we even care for all these, I asked myself. Perhaps the moment they have decided to let me go, I should have done the same and unfold each of my damn fingers to release the grip on what used to be my reality. It is time to move on. Time to find a better school. One that will not stifle my sudden impulse for creative release. Perhaps homeschooling is the better alternative for a person like me.
Here is my offense and I know I should have said it before I mentioned to you all of these. There was a long exam. One that everyone should pass before they go to the next level. It was long, comprehensive and really hard. I handed the proctor my exam booklet thinking to myself this is enough. But…you guessed it right. It wasn’t. I failed…miserably.
Wow! Just saying it out loud…I failed. Didn’t even make me shed a tear. Didn’t cross my mind to commit suicide. Didn’t even made me growl in anger to the point of exhaustion. I failed and I have failed miserably.
Still no emotion.
I still kept the poker face.
Memories from the Bean
The city was experiencing a heavy downpour that Thursday afternoon. After roaming the streets of Makati the entire morning, I think I was about ready to make the rain an excuse for a much needed break. I immediately sent an sms to my friend so the two of us can meet, but her quick reply did not carry a bright affirmation to my otherwise gloomy day. I was clearly in a bad state and in need of good company. Luckily my favourite spot was not far from my reach. Ah! The smell of coffee floated through the air and almost immediately, my worries began to disappear.
I entered the Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf shop at Greenbelt. Right then, I knew what to order to match my mood and the weather. An image and the aroma of a Large cup of steaming white chocolate dream floated into my subconscious as the “barrista” began to take my order. I seated myself in one cozy corner of the shop, got out my notebook and began to think of continuing my story. At this time, the loneliness of the hour crept in once more that it took me all the courage in the world to stifle the sob that was bursting to come out. I checked my phone for messages. None. Not even a forwarded text to brighten my mood. A voice calling out my name thankfully broke into my heavy thoughts and I got up to take my order. As soon as I got back into my seat, I looked into my phone again. I was almost tempted to ring him, if only to hear his voice and force out a silly joke or two that could bring a smile to my face. I am a single gal, living in the city, with a career and a couple of loyal friends to hang out with on weekends and I still feel incomplete – that is, until I met him. And at this thought, I began to compose my message.
Hi! R u anywhere near Makati? How bout coffee if ur free...
Halfway through my composition though, I stopped myself. Could I get anymore desperate than this, I asked myself with indignation. From the looks of his face about a year ago, at this very same spot, he mouthed the words that I have dreaded for him to speak. And yet, it was the truth and I was glad that he was completely honest with me and that I was the first to know.
He and I became a constant “coffee-mate” right after we have both resigned from the very first BPO employer that we had. We were both “call center virgins” when we were hired and came out with as much knowledge and experience as anyone needed on the field. But soon after our trips to the “Bean” (as we call it) became a regular past time for us jobless individuals waiting for a potential new employer to ring us, we found ourselves wanting more and more to spend time with each other. After shifting our taste buds to the tangy tastes of the other beverages the shop has to offer, he and I began to unfold the mystery behind our “single-blessedness.”
I revealed to him how this guy I’ve gone out with on and off for a couple of years has betrayed my trust and opted to enter into a relationship with someone he met at work overseas not long after he gave me his word that when he comes back, we shall try to make our relationship work. He also opened up about this girl he was trying to court and how she led him on, only to give him the boot and chose her other suitor to be her boyfriend. Although he did find out that they have broken up, being the true gentleman that he is, he continued to keep his distance from the girl to give her the space she needs. It was indeed a revelation for both of us and a barrier we have crossed, that gave more depth and meaning into our growing friendship.
I took a sip of my coffee, remembering the last “session” we’ve had when all the loose ends of my hopes finally caught the fire that was waiting to burn whatever wishful thinking I have for the two of us. It was the beginning of the semester and I just found out that I successfully got in the Masteral Program I have applied for. Once again, we found ourselves hanging out at the “Bean” celebrating my acceptance to the program and him getting a job. Midway through our ice-blended coffee, he suddenly popped the question, “Hales, I have quite a bit of a dilemma, will you help me?” Clearing my throat, and regaining my composure, I gave half a smile and an almost casual, “Sure” to him.
“Remember the girl, I’ve told you before? Well, you see, I’ve started seeing her again. I asked her out once and we talked about what happened to us. She has finally seen me in a different light. She wants to give ‘us’ a shot!” He was smiling at this point, in that cute boyish way of his. He was smiling, but I wasn’t. “I know you know our past and how she has rejected me. And as my best friend, I want your honest opinion.”
“If I said no, you can’t be with her because we belong together, will you let her be and start a relationship with me?” You’d think I’ll be brave enough to say that? Oh no, of course I won’t! It was just one of my Alley McBeal moments when I almost let myself get lost in my own surreal world. Instead I responded, “If you know in your heart what you intend to do, and that this will make you truly happy, what do you need my opinion for?” I am praying that he won’t sense regret in my voice, as I tried to muster a smile for him. By the looks of it, he must have taken it as a sign, for surely he was much too eager to share his plans for this girl with me until our night ended.
And there ends the sad story of the sad gal living in the city with a couple of loyal friends to hang out with on weekends. And though her life does not totally resemble the incompleteness she once felt, she misses this friend of hers that seemed to embody her soulmate and the time they’ve spent together drinking either coffee or tea, having the best conversations even in the worst conditions.
I sighed, as I took another sip. Right then, I knew that I couldn’t let nostalgia get the best of me. I was determined to put these memories and the emotions that is the underlying factor for its existence in my mind into good use. With one last sigh, I locked my phone’s keypad, clicked on the icon and started a new document. I began to write about a boy named David and a girl named Haley. Both were “call center virgins” when they first entered the industry.
